What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Randomize
