doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
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Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
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I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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