Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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