fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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