end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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