Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i will never coherently bang her
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
