i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
only you would photoshop your dick
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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