also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
