I wish my penis had an off switch
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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