new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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