i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
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my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
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I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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