After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
