awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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