i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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