Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
