dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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