Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
