wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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