I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
