my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
