ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
