Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Nicole vs. Life
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
