Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
