Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
