Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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