Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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