What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
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Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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