I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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