May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
