you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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