My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
