The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
