separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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