my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
