I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
