He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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