I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
