it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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