if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
