so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
