I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize