Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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