Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
