so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
