I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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