3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
