Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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