I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
