Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
