I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
