after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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