I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
