Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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