I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
