I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
