I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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