Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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