Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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