Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
